All the World's a Stage
by autumnmist715
Summary: So just what parts are Draco and Hermione playing?


**Chapter One: Writing the Script**

'Malfoy.'

'Granger.'

'…'

'You know what we should do?'

'What?'

'We should play a trick on everyone.'

'Everyone?'

'Everyone.'

'Why?'

'Because nothing interesting has happened in a while.'

'So you think we should provide the entertainment? I think not, my dear Malfoy.'

'Why not?'

'Because we dislike each other, you dislike my friends, I dislike your friends, our friends dislike each other, we're in different houses, your favorite teacher hates me, you're a git, and you think I'm a geek.'

'Aw, come on now, that's all? What about the fact that I'm gorgeous and you dislike that about me because you think that all the girls at Hogwarts must be blind to like me? You're jealous, huh?'

'Uh, no. I think I might have forgotten the fact that you're conceited and vain and self-centered and arrogant. And obnoxious.'

'Obnoxious can be a good thing.'

'Notice you didn't refute the other adjectives.'

'That's because they're so ridiculous, it'd be ridiculous to even attempt to refute them.'

'Hey, if you can convince yourself, that's all that matters, right?'

((sigh)) 'Come on, Granger, are you with me on this or not?'

'What was your question again?'

'Well, technically, it's more of a statement-y type question.'

'Really now?'

'Truly.'

'So what is this 'statement-y type question' you wanted to ask me?'

'We should play a trick on everyone.'

'That's a statement.'

'No, it could be a statement-y type question.'

'How?'

'Well, it's a statement since I didn't make it sound like a question, but it's a question because I kind of asked for your input… it all lies with you, Granger…'

'That didn't sound as mysterious as it must have sounded in your head.'

'Yeah, it was a little weak.'

'Mmm. What did you have in mind, Malfoy?'

'We pretend we're madly in love.'

'…'

'Can you just think of what chaos that would cause!? The mayhem! The disorder! The havoc! The pandemonium! The **bedlam**!! Ooh, it just makes me shiver…'

'…'

'Really now, Granger, can't you just see it? Look into your Inner Eye if you can't…'

'…((snort))…'

'That was ladylike.'

'Thanks.'

'So?'

'So, what?'

'So what do you think of my master plan?'

'How good are you at acting?'

'Fairly decent, I'm sure.'

'Fairly decent isn't exactly a ringing endorsement.'

'And here I was, trying to be modest.'

'You can't _be_ modest, Malfoy.'

'Why not?'

'It's not in your DNA.'

'DNA?'

'Yes, your 'designated natural attitude.''

'Are you sure that's what it means?'

'Quite.'

'Huh. I always thought it meant 'distinctive neurological analysis'- you know, like your own personal brain functions for how you think about things…'

'Not quite.'

'I see.'

'Yes.'

'And have you agreed to my oh-so-devious idea?'

'Maybe.'

'Maybe?'

'Maybe.'

'What would it take for me to convince you?'

'A lot.'

'Why?'

'Because I don't see the point.'

'The point is to cause a ruckus. An uproar . A hullabaloo!'

'A hullabaloo?! Seriously? What century do you hail from?'

'Hail? Who uses that anymore?'

'And this is exactly why we can't pull your grand scheme off.'

'What exactly?'

'This arguing, the bickering. How're we supposed to make everyone think that we adore each other if we keep disagreeing?'

'But that's what makes it work, Granger. Think about it.'

'…'

'Have you thought about it enough yet?'

'…Hang on, I'm still thinking…'

'Done yet?'

'I don't see it.'

'How can you not see it?'

'I just can't, that's all. I don't think like you do.'

'That's for sure.'

'So are you going to tell me why it works so well or are you just going to stand there and look triumphant because you think you know more than I do in whatever area this falls under?'

'I think I'll just stand here.'

'Okay, then I think I'll just walk away and leave you standing there.'

'On second thought, I'll tell you why it all adds up to part of the appeal.'

'…'

'…'

'I'm waiting, Malfoy.'

'Two words.'

'Which are? If you're going to say sexual tension, I'm going to poke you.'

'Violent, aren't we? For shame, Granger.'

'That walking away idea is getting better every second I stand here waiting…'

'All right, all right… sexual tension.'

'…'

'OW! Granger, that hurt!'

'I said I was going to poke you.'

'…((grumble, grumble))…'

'Stop grumbling. You should know by now that I say what I mean. If I say I'm going to poke you, I'm not kidding.'

'No kidding.'

'And I did warn you not to say sexual tension, didn't I?'

'Yes…'

'And you said sexual tension, didn't you?'

'Yes…'

'So what were you expecting me to do? Jump you?'

'Yes…'

'Malfoy!'

'Kidding, just kidding...'

'What am I going to do with you?'

'That's a very open ended question. I could come back with a lot of innuendo-y answers… Don't poke me! You didn't let me finish my answer, Granger! As I was going to say… I could come back with a lot of innuendo-y answers, **but** I won't because I know you'll poke me…'

'Damn right.'

'See? I know you better than you think! We can pull this off! We can fool everyone!'

'If you say so.'

'I say so.'

'So what's the deal again?'

'We act mushy.'

'Mushy? Do we have to? That's so… _mushy_!'

'That's why we have to do it.'

'Eww…'

'Mature, Hermione dearest, very mature.'

'That's just weird.'

'Get used to it.'

'I don't think I'll ever get used to it. It's unnatural. I'm Granger, you're Malfoy. Anything different is just odd.'

'Well, it's just pretend. So all you got to do is act. Act like you love me. Act like you're _in_ love with me. Act like you adore me. Act like you couldn't live without me. Act like we have hid our love for each other from the world because of inter-house differences. Act like if we were ever separated from each other, you'd become deeply depressed and withdrawn. In other words, act like all the other girls at Hogwarts.'

'You know, you were actually doing okay there until that last line.'

'Oh. I thought about it for a moment there, too. I wasn't sure if I should add that, but I figured, what the hey, it's true!'

'So if that's your entire plan… I'm not doing it. Everyone's going to think that I've gone nuts and my friends will think I'm crazy and insane. And I would be to go along with a plan like that.'

'But Granger, there would be one vital difference between you and all the other girls of Hogwarts.'

'And what would that be?'

'I respond back.'

'Oooh…'

'Yeah…'

'How?'

'How what?'

'What are you going to do that'll make everyone think **you're** madly in love with me? Are you going to act like you love me, like you're in love with me, like you adore me, like you couldn't live without me, like we've hid our love for each other from the world because of inter-house differences, like if we were ever separated from each other, you'd become deeply depressed and withdrawn? In other words, like all the other boys at Hogwarts?'

'Good memory, Granger.'

'Okay, I have two things to say to you- one, you didn't answer the question, and two, whatever happened to the 'dearest Hermione'?'

'I will pamper you, and follow you around, and carry your book ba- oh wait. How much does your book bag weigh?'

'True love knows no book bag weight limit.'

'You wish. Just give it a guesstimate. Nine kilos? Eleven? Almost thirteen? As much as Potter and Weasley's combined… plus their Quidditch equipment? I figure their book bags don't weigh very much since they don't seem to ever have their homework- on time, at least.'

'You're a big, strong boy, Malfoy, I think you can handle one girl's book bag.'

'One girl, maybe, but you're not just any girl. You're Granger. And that means that your book bag doesn't weigh what it should. Comparing any other girl's book bag to yours, would be like comparing a Niffler to a Hippogriff.'

'Thanks, Malfoy. That means a lot to me.'

'It should. It should mean the world to you.'

'And why should it mean the world to me? You just insulted me.'

'No, I didn't.'

'Oh? Then what do you call it when someone tells you that you have a fat book bag? And that all the other girls he knows have much lighter book bags? What is that? A compliment?'

'Goodness, Granger, you make it sound like I just told you you're fat… which I didn't say, by the way!! Don't hit me!... Ow!... Okay, okay, I take back everything I ever said about your book bag that you took as derogatory! I didn't mean any of it, I swear! Just don't hit me again.'

'And here's another reason why this façade would never work.'

'What's that, Hermione, the light of my life?'

'You're a wimp.'

'WHAT?'

'I don't think the Hufflepuffs making out in the Astronomy Tower heard you.'

'Eww…'

'Mature, Draco dearest, very mature.'

'Hey… that sounds kind of familiar…'

'If you can't figure it out, then I ain't helpin' you.'

'Oh my goodness, someone call the grammar police! Hermione Granger, bookworm extraordinaire, used the word… _ain't_...'

'Here, I'll make up for it- shan't, mayn't, mayhap, happenstance, anomaly, zeugma, euphemism-'

'Stop! I get it, I get it. No grammar police.'

'How do you even know what grammar police are, anyway?'

' You.'

'Oh.'

'Yeah.'

'…'

'…'

'Well, as scintillating as this conversation is getting, I think I'll go start my Ancient Runes homework now.'

'No! You can't!'

'… Why can't I do my Ancient Runes homework?'

'Because you haven't answered my statement-y type question yet.'

'Oh.'

'So…?'

'I guess.'

'Really?!'

'Yeah. I can put it under 'Extracurricular Activities' on my application for University.'

'…'

'What?'

'Under what?'

'Theatre.'

'Acting?'

'What else?'

'Oh.'

'So when do we start?'

'Now!'

'No.'

'Why not? You said you're in.'

'Because right now, I plan on starting my Ancient Runes homework, we're in the common room where no one is here to trick, and I want to be fully rested before starting this charade. You wouldn't want me to forget what we're doing because I didn't get enough sleep and slap you when you pretend to kiss me or whatever, would you?'

'Ooh. No. Go do your homework, then go to bed, young lady.'

'Yes, sir.'

'G'night, Granger.'

'Mmm.'

'I can't wait until tomorrow…'

'I heard that!'


End file.
